school

As much as I say I don’t know what I’m doing I have actually been able to approach this year with some sort of a vague plan. I knew I needed time to sit and think. To be still is what I like to say. In my stillness I’ve made progress but I thought I would be further at this point. I always knew an actual job change was not in my deck of cards for 2009. The thing is, I want to make the right move and not just any move so as desperately as I want out I refuse to spaze out about it. I'm still asking myself "Now what?" That’s the part I don’t know. Had you asked me at age eight what I wanted to do for a living I bet I’d have rattled off three things within minutes. Why is it so much harder at the age of 30 something?

I’m currently taking a design class. What I’ve known for a long time is that I really miss learning new things. What I don’t miss are all the tests - and those obnoxiously long papers. I actually do well with both but the stress and anxiety take a toll on me. This class I’m in now felt like a perfect mental fit when the professor announced that we’d be taking no tests. We just have one project, to design an apartment. He then said he would leave it up to us to decide how much energy we wanted to invest into this and I instantly thought “I wanna go all out.”

Why do I always go there?

At class number two I had the chance to present my progress and I got what felt like a brutal beating from the instructor and other students. It wasn’t really “brutal” but I got a lot more feedback and suggestions for improvement then the others. Why do these things always make me feel so lame? And why am I so hard on myself? I think I make these things more difficult then they need to be.

I read somewhere about needing patience with yourself when you are learning something new. I have no doubt that at some point I’ll master whatever it is I go after, it’s in the learning process that I need to exhibit more confidence in myself. But even though I know this, I always have that moment of thinking - I'm never gonna get this.

Fortunately for me, class three was better. So much better that I'm giving actual thought to going back to school. All I know is that I can't keep doing what I'm doing and until things change my talent is wasting away. That sucks!

the words in my head

I'm a super size Oprah fan. I love her - simple as that.

Now I'm not an Oprah book club fan. In theory I love the idea but my time is limited and my taste in books can be a bit different from her standard selections. Many moons ago when she suggested Eat, Pray, Love it didn't even register on my radar. Then she had the author on her show and I was mesmerized. She had such a wonderful energy that I was instantly hooked. It took me a pretty long time to read the book but I was willing to wait for my life's transformation. If you are out of the loop on this one that was deal, this was the book that would catapult your life to another level and I was on board.

I won't say too much about the book other then I was greatly disappointed. Without the hype I may have liked it more but there was so much buzz and all that chatter left me wanting more then what I got. There were little gems here and there that left me in deep thoughts. I absolutely love when that happens but there weren't enough of those moments. I'm pretty self aware so a lot of this seemed elementary but I am happy I read the book and I'm happy to have the few gems that I did discovered. If you have the paperback version, read page 177. Everything on that page just sits with me and I often think back to what she wrote in that chapter and I find myself leaning on those words more and more as I seek out my next step. Here's a quick snippet:

Man is neither entirely a puppet of the gods, nor is he entirely the captain of his own destiny; he's a little of both. We gallop through out lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses-one foot is on the horse called "fate," the other on the horse called "free will." And the question you have ask every day is-which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?

the past week

I think it's been about two weeks since I've fallen head over heals with the idea of designing envelopes. It's something that has sorta bounced in and out of my head for about a year but I'm now at a point where I'm thinking a bit more outside the box. It's exciting (and scary!).

This week I had drinks with a new friend who I know will soon become a dear friend. I know there is a bigger reason I've met her and clearly as a business owner she's a wealth of knowledge. And me and T seem so alike that it's a bit jarring. When she talks I hear too much of myself in her words and all I can think is how refreshing that is and then I instantly change my thought to something more along the lines of it being too strange. It's like I'm having a conversation with myself but I don't know what the other me is going to say but I know I'll be like "oh yeah, of course." Too freaky. To sum it up we're both free spirits who take chances, think quick and like to self analyze a lot. 

I started school on Monday. On Tuesday I went and spent a bit too much money at the art store. I'm such a sucker for a good art store. Purchased a German made pencil sharpener for $8. Keep in mind that I have a perfectly fine pencil sharpener I purchased in London but I was "suckered in." At one point I couldn't decide if I wanted the orange or the teal and then began to contemplate getting both. That's like $16 of stupidity. So I was just semi-stupid and bought one and let me report, it sharpens beautifully. Thank goodness, right? Then I spent way too long at the store and left reassured that I need to move on with my idea on envelope designs. I just love this sorta stuff too much to be running mindless reports and hunting down rain coats. As in, once my manager who I really adore asked me to hunt down a rain coat he had left in a rental car. I just remember thinking.. this is what I got my degree for? At least I did major in communications so I was able to sweet talk the folks at Lost and Found. Ugh. 

Now I'm working on my project for school. I get to design an apartment which leaves me flip-flopping between "how damn fun is that" and "gee, this is a lot of work." 

Of course I can't end this post without say that this week I wanted to walk out (and of course, never return) about 5 times. That's a pretty high number. When that happens there's a game I like to play. Let me fill you in... basically I clean out my desk like I'm leaving the company forever. The plan is to have all my stuff in order and in easy grasp so that in the pretend world that I quit on the spot I could have my shit together in 3 minutes or less. Try it when you're feeling a bit under the weather about your job and I swear you'll fill much better. For me, I tend to then sit at my desk for a good week with the biggest mental smile cause I know *my desk is ready.* 

If you try my little game let me know how it works out for you. You can also feel free to fill me in on the most crap ass task you've been given at work. $5 to the person who can top my hey-you-college-educated-girl-track-down-a-rain-coat. 

drinks and a movie

A few weekends back I dragged by husband to see Julie and Julia. I talked it up as being this great movie that was going to inspire me - maybe even inspire US. I had never heard of Julie but I've been a big Julia fan for ages. Before the movie we went to a bar and had a few drinks. Well thank goodness because the movie sucked! 

I take that back, the movie about Julia was delightful and I wanted more. Hell, I wanted a whole move about her. The Julie part was a complete snooze. I was not inspired or excited or eager to take on the world. I think all in all I just wanted more drinks. 

Afterwards I did do a bit of reading on Julie and from what I gathered the movie did not do an accurate job of depicting her. In fact tid bits I read said she wasn't nearly as sweet as the movie depicted her and that she cursed a lot. Personally, the real Julie sounded more interesting and I think I might had liked the movie more had we seen the real her. 

Anyhow, if you too are on an inspiration search.. don't rush to see this movie. Anyone else seen it? 

next

What a difference a day (and a week) make. The day after my last post I started to fixate on my ideas of a career in Gift Wrapping. I've had a lot of different business ideas that involve gift wrapping but the harder I thought the more it just seemed that I don't have the medium right now to make those ideas work. That's a bummer but it did spark my interest in another idea I've had. For some time I have enjoyed making envelopes and even lining envelopes that I purchase. And I'm formulating bigger ideas that are much further down the road but for this moment I think I'm gonna see what I can come up with designing envelopes and perhaps incorporating my obsession with gift wrap into that. 

On Monday I start school - it's pretty exciting. I'm only taking one course but to just be in a classroom will do my body wonders. Early this year I took a lot of floral classes and I seriously left every class feeling like a happy crack head. Not that I've ever smocked crack, I haven't, but the energy and high I would feel after each class was exhilirating. This time I'm taking an interior design class at one of NY's design schools. The class will focus on design as a business. All my life I have wanted to be an Interior Decorator. I've given it much thought this year and since registering for the course back in May I feel less interested in this direction but I need to honor this feeling I have always had and then reanalyze my thoughts after the course is complete.

I think I am only halfway to the point where I can say out loud to people "I want to gift wrap for a living" and not feel mortified. 

disclaimer

I think this is where I need to add a disclaimer to my blog. For me, this year has been devoted to figuring out what I want to do for the long haul. I got here after having felt crushed at work and trapped in an industry I have no interest in. I have questioned my worth, my sanity and every decision I have made. To call it a roller coster ride would be cliche and dishonest. I cant argue the fact that I have been up but those moments of up were neither sky high or exhilarating. Mostly I have been down. The reality is that this year I have doubted everything about me and that's a hard place to be. Hard and bad and I don't do well in bad places. 

I started up this here blog, my social experiment if you will, as a document to my search for an out. And this is where the disclaimer comes in. I am above nothing and no one. As I search for my out I will attach myself to anything that can give me inspiration. I'm like a blood sucking leech. So if you hear me quoting lines from corny movies, over rated books, hip hop songs or even Oprah - that's just me sucking away and seeking out a little hope and inspiration. 

Today I somehow got caught up in watching Flashdance. My son started fiddling with the television just as the best part began - the end where she dances her ass off. I was totally giving him the evil eye which must have worked because he didn't disturb a single thing. And his antics didn't distract me too much because I got to take in the entire Irene Cara song, What a Feeling. 

First, when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream

That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind

All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride

[Chorus:]

What a feeling, bein's believin'

I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life

Take your passion, and make it happen

Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

Please, don't laugh. Ok, you can laugh but when you're done keep reading. This just solidifies that I need to figure something out about my want for a job that makes use of my love to gift wrap. Well, the song didn't solidify that thought (that would be silly) but it reinforced my need to try and make this passion of mine into something.

Are you still laughing? If so, I hope it's over the cheesy lyrics and not my employment idea. 

Thoughts?

good stuff

Every so often I'll be bouncing around between websites, clicking random links here and there and then suddenly pop up on something good. Today was one of those days. Somehow I came upon ReadyMade. Honestly, I don't even know what the site is about.. I didn't get that far with my discovering. I've been too obsessed with their HDYGTFAJ posts. Are you asking, WTF does that even mean? Well, let me translate... at least I think this is the translation - How Did You Get That Fkking Awesome Job. 

Don't you just love that? Well I do.  

Each post starts off the same:

Mondays suck. Especially if you hate your job. But the day doesn’t have to be a total waste. You can now look forward to reading about ReadyMakers who have worked their way into f*&%ing awesome jobs—and maybe find a little inspiration to jumpstart your own career in the process...

Right now my favorite post is this one but you can check out all the posts here. Perhaps like me, you too need all the inspiration you can get in your own search for a f*&%ing awesome job. 

a game of catch up

Catching up on the details…

I started 2009 with a two year plan - Project Pink Slip. As I have mentioned, the goal of my project is to leave my current job for greener pastures. I’m just past my 20s and quitting on the spot isn’t really feasible. Instead, I’m trying to be practical and sensible. And unlike the many other job transitions I’ve made, I want this one to be the right one.

Right now, I’m nine months into The Project and these past months have been exhausting. I’ve had moments of desperation and lets face it boys and girls – desperate people aren’t very pretty.

Step one is figuring out what I want to do. I’m still sifting through those thoughts but I’m closer to cracking the code. Soul searching is tough work! Thank goodness I’m a drinker.

At some point I’ll try and go a bit more in-depth but the jist of it is this - I want to be in a field that’s more creative. Narrowing down things from there has been a bit more tricky. I have a lot of interests but that doesn’t necessarily translate to a job that I would be happy making a living at.

Here’s what I’m pondering - what can I do for a living that might include stationary, pretty photography, cupcake eating, pencil collecting, staring at flowers or laughing. And for good measure can we throw in pretty home decor. I like that, too.

Thoughts?

hi... nice to meet you

Deciding what to say in the first post is always a bit awkward. 

Here’s the deal.. I have a suck ass job. Apologies for the use of profanity so early into our relationship but to call my job bad or unfulfilling would be an understatement. I experience days where it feels like the company I'm with is a decent place to work but I have more days where I dream about my Pink Slip speech. That would be the speech where I tell my employer adios. And that there is why I started this blog – Project Pink Slip. It’s about me doing what it is that I need so that one day I can leave my suck ass job to pursue something that fulfills me as a person. So here I am digging and searching all while I perfect my accents because you never know - when that big day strikes I might be more inclined to say sayonara or maybe even au revoir. One of my many talents is being international.

As for me, The Girl, I ramble, I swear and oh, I have a dramatic flair. But I promise you, this here is going to be fun.

xoxo

The Girl