school

As much as I say I don’t know what I’m doing I have actually been able to approach this year with some sort of a vague plan. I knew I needed time to sit and think. To be still is what I like to say. In my stillness I’ve made progress but I thought I would be further at this point. I always knew an actual job change was not in my deck of cards for 2009. The thing is, I want to make the right move and not just any move so as desperately as I want out I refuse to spaze out about it. I'm still asking myself "Now what?" That’s the part I don’t know. Had you asked me at age eight what I wanted to do for a living I bet I’d have rattled off three things within minutes. Why is it so much harder at the age of 30 something?

I’m currently taking a design class. What I’ve known for a long time is that I really miss learning new things. What I don’t miss are all the tests - and those obnoxiously long papers. I actually do well with both but the stress and anxiety take a toll on me. This class I’m in now felt like a perfect mental fit when the professor announced that we’d be taking no tests. We just have one project, to design an apartment. He then said he would leave it up to us to decide how much energy we wanted to invest into this and I instantly thought “I wanna go all out.”

Why do I always go there?

At class number two I had the chance to present my progress and I got what felt like a brutal beating from the instructor and other students. It wasn’t really “brutal” but I got a lot more feedback and suggestions for improvement then the others. Why do these things always make me feel so lame? And why am I so hard on myself? I think I make these things more difficult then they need to be.

I read somewhere about needing patience with yourself when you are learning something new. I have no doubt that at some point I’ll master whatever it is I go after, it’s in the learning process that I need to exhibit more confidence in myself. But even though I know this, I always have that moment of thinking - I'm never gonna get this.

Fortunately for me, class three was better. So much better that I'm giving actual thought to going back to school. All I know is that I can't keep doing what I'm doing and until things change my talent is wasting away. That sucks!